Of Mistresses, Muses and other Diversions.

The other evening, as I was sitting here contemplating this blog's contents, when it came to me that, in my life, photography has held many roles.It has been mistress, muse and a variety of other diversions.. No matter what condition my personal life was in, photography has always held sway over my inner being,an unrelenting, unrepentant seductress, forever drawing me deeper and deeper into her charms. the mistress of my soul, the one true driving force in my life. To be sure, I have forced her to share me with other ladies of my acquaintance but always she has been there,alluring, demanding of my attention and ever beckoning me beyond the now, into the tomorrows. She taunts,with the anticipation of images yet formed and visions yet set to memory. A siren on a rocky coast,calling to the restless sea to bring her a dreamer,a creator of illusions, one who captures times moments and holds them forever.

Ah, but  then, there is the muse,the inspiration for things to come and stories to be. The source of satisfaction and of discontent. Like any true muse, she drives you to try new things,inspires you to greatness and holds precious moments for you to savour,grasp and reveal for all time. A muse by any other name is still a muse and photography is a muse beyond description. Photographers and artists of all ilks, will claim to have a muse or muses, that inspire their art, but in truth, their art is their muse. Without the art form, the rest is irrelevant.

But photography has been much more than a mistress or a muse. It has been the passion that defines my life. It is the one constant that never betrays my trust. It is work and play and space and time and it is endless days and lengthy nights. Photography can free the inner child and it can soothe the tired mind. It can relive the past and recapture the moment and it can create anew. Pondering it's limits can occupy an eternity and send the mind on endless journeys of possibility. No matter where you turn, there are images to capture and moments to steal. Moments that others have created and you have captured, some with intent and some by chance. Nothing else compares, because nothing else can. Only photography can capture a moment,exactly as it was,without interpretation. Not that that moment, may not be interpreted, it certainly can, but it was frozen,without interpretation, exactly as it occurred. The painter presents an interpretation, the writer, the sculptor,the poet and the composer,all interpret what only the photographer freezes in time. No other method is as exacting,as truthful to the original. Of course, the photograph can be changed, it can reflect a different reality,but first it was exact.

Perhaps it is this exacting nature that has fascinated me all these years, or perhaps it was the siren's call. Whatever it is or was, it holds me still and will no doubt,until all time has run out. Nothing will ever replace it and perhaps nothing will ever compare, but one thing is certain, in my mind, mistress, muse or diversion, photography has shaped my life beyond explanation and continues to, today.

Pet Peeves and Sundry Ramblings

Over the years, I have come to realize that there are a number of things that irk me in this world and a few others that are offshoots of the first. People who insist on using acronyms for every other word are one and the acronyms themselves are another,in some cases. Personally,although I do use common acronyms, I find it basically a lazy practice and possibly a cover up for not knowing how to spell or use a dictionary! No one is in such a hurry that they can not use correct grammar, another peeve, or spell out full words. Frankly, no one's time is so important that they can not stop to spell properly and fully. When did we find it necessary to invent short forms such as, LOL, BFF, or BLTN? I understand certain military acronyms, such as FUBAR, or SNAFU, since the actual wording can not or perhaps should not, be used in certain company, or in public, but what is wrong with "laughing out loud"? FUBAR,for those who don't know, means "fucked up beyond all recognition and SNAFU, is "situation normal, all fucked up" both are frequently used to describe situations in the military and elsewhere for that matter.

The grammar thing is one that drives me crazy. Now my grammar is not always perfect and I tend to over punctuate narratives, but the penchant today to not even attempt to use proper grammar, is overtly stupid! It shows a lack of intelligence and a total disregard for the nuances of the English language. It may be one of the most complicated languages on the planet, but when well written, it is also one of the most beautiful and descriptive. True, the language of Shakespeare is not the English of today, but it is still delightful and inspiring prose. The English of today, is equally as fine,if people choose to give it the courtesy it is due. Nowhere does the lack of understanding of the language show itself more dramatically, than in the writing,if you can call it that, of today's youth. These are the leaders of tomorrow and most can not put two sentences together with any degree of accuracy in spelling and grammar. What have we done with our education system, to promote this rubbish?

I often find myself  pondering the, ever growing, lack of understanding, of good photography amongst buyers today. It is bad enough that every Tom Dick and Harry with a point and shoot thinks they are a professional photographer, but to have photo buyers willing to support this idiocy, baffles me. I have spend most of my adult life perfecting my craft and yet, with the advent of digital capture, that has all been reduced to whoever will sell for the lowest price and give away the copyright as well. For someone to believe that no skill is required to produce a great image is odd enough, but to then think that the photographer should relinquish all claim to their creation, for little or no compensation, just plain doesn't make sense. Try telling Ford or General Motors that you will only pay this much, for their product and then you own the rights to that product/design and can do whatever you like with it,including prevent others from buying it. Somehow, I doubt that they would agree. That, however, is exactly what buyers are expecting of photographers. Of course, if photographers said no, in their entirety, it would be a mute point, but they don't! For every one of us that insists on fair compensation and the retention of the copyright, there are ten who could care less and will sell everything at bargain basement prices. You do the math, who wins in the end?

I could go on and on and on with things that provoke my ire, in today's world, but I won't. Suffice it to say that there are many more avenues of discord that I could venture down, most related to the ones I have already touched upon. Things like the proliferance of "social media" and worse, "social media gurus", or the lack of personal responsibility for one's actions, to name a couple. The point is, that none of these things need to be and would not, if we just took the time to think about consequences once in a while. There is a consequence to every action you take, be it good or bad. If the people who decided not to teach our youth about the proper use of English, for instance,had taken a moment to reflect on the consequences, perhaps that same youth, would now know how to write intelligently.

New Beginnings

There have been recent changes to my life and with them new beginnings . I have reconnected with my only son,after many, many years. The results have been bittersweet, but rewarding nevertheless. Naturally, after so much time, both of us have been very cautious in our re- acquaintancing, but, for me, it has been a welcome confirmation that no matter what may, eventually, unfold, he is alive and healthy and happy in his life. Such matters are never easy, but they can only be positive in the final analysis, no matter how they play out. To know something for certain, is better than to surmise and never confirm that thing. Jason and I will follow whatever path our destinies have prescribed, to whatever end that may lead. The journey may be short, or, lifelong, but  it will ultimately take us to a destination probably not of our choosing.
Regardless, it will be the right destination and the path now lies before us. New beginnings, do that, they change our direction, in ways we did not anticipate and send us headlong down unknown roads. Life is always an adventure and adventures are predicated on facing the unknown.

The second new beginning is somewhat less dramatic, but a beginning nonetheless. After the recent deaths of my two dogs, I have a new canine in my life. She is a very pretty, blue merle coloured Border Collie named Darla. Yes, as in the Little Rascals Darla. She is a champion and has titles in Agility, Fly ball and Frisbee competition and being a suck. She is retired now and at nine years of age is content to show off as opposed to compete. Strangely, she absolutely loves cats, which is a good thing, since I have several on the farm as well as Mr. Snooks, who is the only house cat and an intimidating thirty pounds. She follows me around like a shadow and thinks nothing of occupying every square inch of leg room under my desk. She has also been/is a certified therapy dog, next to cats, people are her favourite thing to love. For a border collie, she is very laid back and that's a good thing too, as horses and hyper-active dogs do not always do well together.

These beginnings bring me to a third, which ties in with previous discussions in my blog. I have finally begun to explore digital capture. It has been a long time coming and is not without many reservations, but this new beginning is a huge step for me, much like Jason's contacting me was for him, I am sure and definitely like Darla's re-homing has been for her. I have not done much, at the moment and I do not have all the technology sorted out either, but it is certainly a new adventure and certainly a mixture of intimidation and expectation.
When he was a very small child, I used to bring Jason on motor sport assignments with me and gave him a point and shoot camera to play with. He took to it immediately and with no formal coaching, began creating some very impressive images. To some small degree, minus the impressive part, I am finding that same occurrence with digital capture, as I begin to explore it. I am still not rushing out to shoot assignments, any time soon, but I am intrigued with the prospect, I must say. I still prefer film over electronics and I think I always will, but that is the past and electronics seem, for the moment, to be the future. At any rate, now that cameras are not obsolete the moment you buy them , I can justify moving to the new medium. Who knows, perhaps I will embrace dog photography as my new beginning in this new,to me, field. After all, I have a new muse to inspire me.

Memories from the Life

Some things seem to prompt reflections more easily than others and some things simply bring them on with a rush. Today, for some strange reason, I am inundated, for no apparent cause, with recollections from my life in this strange occupation of photojournalism. A few of these are bittersweet, but the majority are welcome reminders of the things and people that I've encountered along the twisted path that we call life. The bittersweet remains, perhaps, the most vivid, but the remainder are, nevertheless, as clear as the day they occurred, though perhaps textured by the passage of time and the desire to hold on to the essence of their impact. I think that we all have that in common. We want to remember, exactly, how things were, but tend, instead, to subtly filter the extraneous details and hold on to core of the experience. Still, memory is a marvelous and amazing thing. It is said that the mind will selectively filter out horrendous experiences in our lives and bury them deep within the subconscious, things such as severe and intense pain great emotional anguish or truly painful memories, while saving, in the forefront, the best of ourselves. There are, however, a few souls for whom this may not be the case, or at least not entirely so. Perhaps, as a group, photojournalists are such souls, but definitely there are those, myself included, for whom this is certainly so. There is very little, if any, of my life that I can not recall. Not always at will, I must add, but when the mind chooses to wander the pathways of my past, nothing much is left untouched. I can remember,with great clarity, events from my very early childhood, events that are verified by others and likewise, people and events from there onwards, throughout my life. Eerily, at times, I even recall words spoken and reactions resulting. I also have an uncanny ability to remember almost every photograph I have ever taken, Not, as a photographic memory would, but rather,upon seeing the image again,all the details about it return to me. Sometimes, to haunt me,as in "What was I thinking!? " and other times as refreshing little insights into why I chose to act as I did, or say what I said,or shoot what I shot. I hardly think that I am, in any way, unique in this ability, but I do believe that it is a part of being a photojournalist, or at the least a part of my being a photojournalist. To me, a chronicler of one's time, should remember it well,if they hope to present it for others. It also is an invaluable tool in one's search for the meaning(s) to their life choices and the results.

A Time For Reflection, A Time For Rebirth

There comes to every photographer, I think, a time when they reflect upon all things photographic and particularly those that best relate to their present circumstances or situation. It may be at a certain juncture in their lives or simply at a point of change,either in the industry or their own connection to it. One such time, for me, was when the world turned digital and another, is now, as I am approaching an age when many people choose to retire. Next birthday, I will be 64, an age when retirement is a chronological option and it has caused me to pause and reflect. Reflect, not on retirement, but on where I will choose to go from here. Perhaps, after resisting it all these years, I will invest in,at least some, digital capture equipment and definitely, I will change the direction of my work. Although I seriously prefer film to digital and still maintain the capability of a large darkroom, the availability of films has certainly diminished and with Kodak's recent restructuring, may do so even more. In addition, I have added certain limitations to my ability to travel constantly, namely my horses and this will require that I adjust my photographic endeavours, to a large degree.Rather than pursue the avenues I previously used to earn from, I will focus my work closer to home and plan well in advance, any travel requirements. Although I had previously begun to explore more documentary focused work, I will now do so with a renewed effort and a more structured approach. Granted, if the opportunity arises to jump into a news worthy story I would not hesitate,not for a New York minute,but my focus can not stay in that arena. Not because it is a younger man's game, because it really is not a matter of age, but because I want to spend time with the horses and I enjoy the changes they represent. Beyond that, is the fact that my simplified life has also come with diminished financial capacity and so, less grandiose projects than travelling the globe in search of the perfect moment or event are better suited to me now.
One area that will exhibit change, is this blog. It has never been an all encompassing passion for me to write this tome, but rather, a place to put some thoughts to paper, so to speak and see if anyone is interested. I am not a social networking stalwart, nor will I ever become one. I find the whole idea to be a waste of precious time and I have never seen a wit of personal benefit come from it. Nevertheless, having said that, this blog is somewhat different,at least for me. This is more akin to a diary, that I have chosen to make public, than to a frantic search for people to like me. I actually do not care if the huddled masses like me or not,follow me or not,link to me or not. I write because I have something to say, if only to myself and if and when others choose to read it, is of little consequence to my continuing to write. Having said that, I have decided that I need to do so more often. Not to accumulate more followers/readers/aficionados, but because I find the entire process to be, somehow, cathartic and also illuminating. When one writes down ones thoughts, they tend to become clarified. Beyond that, if I am to hold true to the profile description of this blog, I need to write a lot more, if this is to present any kind of an accurate depiction of me and how I got where I am.
Over the last four or five years, I have gotten a fair way away from much of photography and my former involvement in the medium. I have not left it behind, but I have distanced myself from the day to day grind of being a photographer/photojournalist/artist, of no repute. Now it is time to be born again and not in any sort of Judeo Christian sense of the phrase, but as myself. Photography has always defined who I was and it is time for it to do so again.

The World Outside My Life

Today is a clear sunny winters day and I am preparing to venture out to split wood, feed horses, treat a sick barn cat and otherwise tend to the none photographic things in my life. My dogs are waiting patiently in the kitchen, next to the wood stove, as usual and for a moment, I am left to contemplate the world beyond my life's doorstep. It could prove a daunting process, were I to let it. I recently parted company with a lady I had been close to, let a possible assignment to New Mexico slip by, without a second glance and spent two days in bed with either the flu, or food poisoning, I am not certain of which and so my life suddenly slowed down and became a tad introspective. Today, it has resumed it's normal patterns, but with a nudge to see beyond myself and my day to day existence. It is not something I find myself indulging in of late and that is troublesome.

At one time, I spent a lot of time thinking outside my life. It kept me focused and a bit sane and very grounded. Today, I find that not to be the case and not to my benefit either. When one works in the lives and events, of others, as so many photojournalists do, one realizes, all to clearly, just how basically well off one actually is. For the moment,or the hour, one may live in a world of discomfort,or upheaval,or even life and death struggle, but at the end of it all, one can and does return to a more comfortable place. Even if the particular assignment is not in war torn dishevelment, but rather, simply some distant tourist trap, the problems are still not really yours and will all, physically, go away once one returns home. One may dwell on them from afar and resolve to try and better the situation, but one no longer has to live them,day to day. Nevertheless, the act of dealing with them and the people whose lives, they are a daily part of,brings one to better appreciate their own life,no matter how troubled it seems from the inside. It allows you to see the forest for the trees,for a time.

Many things drive the photojournalist to venture outside their comfort zone and into the worlds of others,both less fortunate and very, much more fortunate than they. The list of reasons is endless and as varied as the individual photographers, but it is these motivators which separate the photojournalist from many of the rest of society. This is not to say that photojournalists ,somehow, have some special insight into the world that no one else can,or does. But rather, serves to highlight the simple fact that,as a group, we are different, from most of our brethren, in the way that we approach that world. Whether it is a better way or a lesser way, is not really the point. What is the point is that it is a way that enables us to function, in our potentially chaotic field, without becoming mired in the lives and events we document, while helping us to remain grounded in our own lives. Assuming that we allow it to happen, this approach, if you will,gives us the detachment we need to be able to do what we do, while at the same time allowing us to better see our own lives with a clearer perspective. Seeing your own existence through the lives of others illuminates the benefits and the blessings of that existence all the more clearly.And speaking of clearly, I clearly need to get out there and tend to my chores.

Approaching the End

As one approaches the end of one's life,though, I hope, not any time soon, one tends to both look back and look ahead, with equal intensity. What one has accomplished,has been and where one has gone, all combine to make you who you are today and to prepare you for who you will become tomorrow. Essentially, you will be the same person, but with subtle changes, assuming that you are not contemplating an early departure from this mortal coil. But since life is an evolution and not a script, you will continue to grow as both a person and an artist. Looking back on your life gives one a great perspective on where to take the remainder of it.Things you have yet to experience and images you have yet to capture/create are undoubtedly a part of the process, but what of things and images you have already accomplished?

What prompted this entry, was a piece in the Guardian newspaper about a favourite photographer of mine, Bruce Davidson, who wishes to discover whatever happened to a young girl that he photographed some 50 years ago, in England. At the time, she was on her way to a concert, on an island,most probably the Isle of Wight or the Isle of Man and carrying a kitten. The shot is one most fans of the photographer will remember. Seeing it again and reading the article, I began to wonder if such an image,existed for me?I realised that there were, in fact, several. Some were of people and others of buildings or landscapes, places or things. Could I return to them to find them today? In some cases, I am certain, not, but in others perhaps they could be revisited and re-explored. Likewise, were the things I have not yet gotten to. Would I still be able to capture those, as yet unseen, pieces of my "bucket list"? Certainly some of them, I would want to think, but perhaps not all.

I am far from staring at my imminent demise, but I can see the light in the clearing, at the end of the path and although it does not frighten me, in any way, it is starting to lend an urgency to my outlook on the future. There are a host of images that I have not yet taken, many, many places that I have not visited and I realise, more than a few that I would like to re-visit. Then there are the many non photographic adventures that I still wish to embark upon and a few personal goals that are left to be satisfied. Time marches on and I, like most others, am only a few steps ahead of the old gentleman! So, the question is, will I persevere and press on with my life and my dreams, or let him catch up and try to be satisfied with what I have? At my age, 62, many people would simply rest on their laurels and wait. I will not. I will not, mostly because my laurels are not that impressive and I know I can do better, but also because life is a grand adventure and should not be squandered, nor short changed. When one embarks upon an endeavour, one has an obligation to see it through. My chosen endeavour was to live a full life and to chronicle as much of it as I could manage. Neither goal has been accomplished, as yet and I owe it to myself to see them through. I wouldn't be the person I think I am if I did not.

Pick up and Run

I was talking with a good friend the other night and he was marvelling over a photograph, from Libya, that had been taken by a French photojournalist. During the conversation he mentioned several times, that he would love to be in Libya, at the moment, as he had worked there,in another life, before photography and he knew the country and the people well. Subsequently, he felt that he would be able to get some exceptional images. What came next, was very interesting, he commented, that he did not think, that he would have gotten the image, that we had just been looking at, despite his belief that he should be there. His reasons for the statement are really not important, nor in my mind even relevant, but the statement itself was revealing. Here was a photographer, a very good one and one for whom photojournalism was a passion and yet he felt that he would not have been ready to capture this iconic, once in a lifetime( and it was ) image. I was actually quite surprised and it started me thinking. Having worked as a photojournalist and to an extent still doing so, I began to ponder the role of the photojournalist as documentarian, rather than news gatherer. Was my friends belief that he could capture unique images of the turmoil,false, or was his definition of his presence, that of a photojournalist,gathering news,inaccurate? Larry Towell, a renowned Canadian photojournalist and member of Magnum, does not gather breaking news, but rather documents the depth and the affects of a struggle on the people involved. Larry is a documentary photojournalist, rather than a hard news gatherer.Was this what my friend was trying to describe when he referred to his desire to be in Libya? Could he, subconsciously, have felt that he would not have gotten the aforementioned shot, because he would have been prepared not for hard news,but for life stories?

The traditional vision of a photojournalist, in the vein of a Burrows, or a Capa, was an individual whose bags were always packed and who could be expected, at a moments notice, to pick up and run, to whatever conflict or event, wherever in the world it happened.To the extent that that, is possible, in today's highly complex and profit oriented world, that may still be the case, but more and more, it is not. Today, such ventures must be intricately planned and authorized. Winging off to Vietnam, with a borrowed camera and a lust for adventure, as Tim Page did in the sixties, is not that realistic today. The glory days of photojournalism, are mostly, behind us now, replaced by the corporate dictates of profit and loss, versus, acceptable risk and exposure. Yes they want the stories, but not at great cost in relation to responsibility for photojournalist's remains or health care. Hence, you will see many more images from highly experienced shooters, from VII, or Magnum, or a news agency such as AP, or Reuters, than you will from some adventuresome individual with a camera and a dream. Such is not the case however, with the photo-ducumentarian. Here lies the path of the photojournalist of old and here lies the true recording for posterity, of world events. The risks, financially, are high. There are no guarantees of a front cover and an inside spread, after the initial public impact subsides, but here are where the real stories get told. Here are the people, left behind, to pick up the pieces of their broken lives and their broken countries. Here in the aftermath of the trouble and strife, are the images of the real cost of conflict and disaster. Here is where the photojournalist's eye is most challenged and most needed and all too often, absent.

Evening of the Day

I've been sitting, listening to an old Rolling Stones album and one song in particular is ringing in my mind. Though written by the Stones, it was given to Marianne Faithful to record first and, as it turned out, was a hit for both,eventually."As Tears Go By" begins with the line,"It is the evening of the day" and as I sit writing this entry, that is exactly what is unfolding, outside my window. As the day, slowly, draws to a close, I find myself thinking about other such evenings and other places and events.Some, have a definite photographic reference, while others, not so much. This day, I did nothing photographic, save, perhaps write this blog entry. Today, was the first really warm day of the spring and brightly sunny to boot. It was a day for outdoor activity and spring cleaning, of which I did very little and none at all.Nevertheless, it was a productive day, in other ways and ultimately, a day to think about some of those "other" evenings.One, in particular, comes to mind and re-minds me that some of our greatest moments,as chroniclers of the world around us,can frequently happen when we are contemplating other things. I captured one of the best sunset images/cityscapes, of my career while standing out on a tiny, apartment, balcony with a glass of wine, watching the evening pass into night. It suddenly dawned on me, that I was watching a rather spectacular image unfold and my cameras were nowhere in sight! I suppose, that I could have simply stayed and watched the evening sky,lord knows, I had a million sunsets, in my files, but something, in my soul, just would not let me. So, in a blind fury, I rushed about gathering camera and tripod and set up, half in the doorway and half on the tiny concrete pad.I metered the sky, adjusted for the sun, framed and re-framed the shot but,eventually,I waited. Somewhere amidst all the fuss, I had come to the realization, that my shot, was not yet complete and that when it was,I would see it. I did and the image was truly worth all the turmoil and upheaval, in an otherwise perfectly beautiful,calm, evening. Of course, as it turned out, I could have taken all the time I needed to set up and the calm of the evening would have been more ,or less, unruffled, but such is not often the way of photographers. We tend to always react as if our very lives depended on our next few seconds of life and although at times, it might,generally, we needn't rush about madly. One may miss more of life and it's images than one captures when always in a hurry. Sometimes, the evening is meant to be lingered over,as well; maybe the day preceding it. Often, in our rush to accomplish, we fail to see and beyond all else, that is what garners us our greatest accomplishments, accolades, images and pleasures. By definition, a photographer must be one who sees, sees light ,sees life, sees the world around them and captures moments,from that,for us all to contemplate. Whether those moments, change the world,or simply change your perception of it, it is the photographer's eye that presents them to you. Perhaps, were we to take more of our time to see more of our world, there would be more of those moments, to make more of those changes.

Events of the Day

Sitting here reading about Egypt and watching events unfold via the net I am reminded of another time,seemingly eons ago, when access was not so instantaneous and world news took a bit longer to reach the mainstream. Then was a time, when the roll of the photojournalist appeared somewhat more pivotal than it is today, with it's instant everything and it's citizen journalists. Then was a time, when photos told a concise and often cryptic story of events unfolding in some distant,or even local,corner of the world. Often times, the photographer had as much difficulty getting his or her images to the world, as they did capturing them and sometimes with as great a risk to life and limb. The wire services were a reasonably direct route, provided they were there, but still one had to get to the wire service offices, be they permanent, or temporarily set up in some hotel room or newspaper's offices. Unfortunately, in many cases, the photojournalist was faced with no existing services and the need to avoid getting caught trying to get film out of the area, while in others, the need was to get the film back to the nearest news centre, be that continents away of merely many miles to a major city.

Today, the need is only to find an internet connection and a moments peace and quiet with your laptop,but even that is not easily found at times. Beyond that however, is another problem,one of potentially greater risk and inconvenience. Today, mostly unlike before, the journalists are often finding themselves targeted by the very events they are trying to cover. More and more often they are finding themselves cast as the adversary,rather than the chronicler of events. Unlike an earlier time, when, for the most part, journalists were looked upon as non-combatants and left alone by the factions they were documenting, today they find themselves being singled out for potentially deadly attention. The digital age has brought with it, not only instant news, but instant recognition of who is saying, or documenting,what. Less and less often can one be in support of "A" at this checkpoint and "B" at another, as they work their way around a conflict zone. While further exacerbating issues, is the sometimes aggressive response to any and all journalists, regardless of their apparent published leanings towards any one side of a conflict. Witness, for example, the growing number of journalists being injured and in some cases, killed in the political struggle now unfolding in Egypt! The attitudes towards the press, are changing, both at home and abroad and the sanctity,if that is what it is, of that press is not only being questioned, but is often ignored by the participants in the events of the day,worldwide.